Apparently Some Sort of Sporting Event is Taking Place.

The U.S. is finally out of the World Cup, and I must admit being somewhat relieved.

For one thing, all the alleged soccer fans who spent the last few weeks popping out of various nooks and crannies will presumably return to the woodwork from whence they came, like Cubs fans in September.

For another thing, I won't have to read another article like this, whining about how soccer isn't popular enough in America, or this, some top-drawer haughtiness sniffing that "any sports fan with a pulse was riveted" by some indistinguishable 90-minute snoozefest or other.

Guess what? I'm a sports fan. I wasn't riveted. In fact, I wasn't watching at all. Do you know why? Evidently not, or you wouldn't waste your time haranguing me with your tear-stained eulogies for another lost crack at glory for American futbol. But it does seem to be genuinely troubling you, so let me clear up the mystery for you.

Soccer is boring.

That's it. That's all.

Americans don't like soccer because nothing happens in soccer. "Well what about baseball?" you are probably whining right now, as your ilk often does. Baseball, while admittedly a more deliberate affair than basketball or football, is far and away more interesting than soccer. Baseball features fairly regular scoring, and a game that can change complexion with a single swing of the bat.

I just watched the highlights of USA-Ghana, which Fifa.com will not let me embed here. It features the 3 goals of the game, all replayed several times apiece. It also features at least two highlights of people being tripped and falling down. Two. From 90 minutes of game time. The point is, nothing happens in soccer except goals, and those are so few and far between that the long slog isn't close to being worth it.

Oh, you poor soccer fans. I'm sure you mean well, and your love of the sport is sincere...and it'll be another four years before you can get your righteous dander up again about how your beloved pastime is so unfairly ignored. I do feel a little sorry for you. Why don't we bury the hatchet until the next Cup rolls around (or at least the Olympics, which I'm sure you probably slobber over in equal measure). Come on, let's get together, talk it out, have a beer. Maybe play a drinking game? I heard of a great one! It's called "World Cup". You sit around for 90 minutes plus some mysterious amount of time that gets magically added to the 90 minutes, and stare intently at each other while blasting a boombox of farting plastic horns on a loop. In that time, maybe somebody takes a drink. Or maybe they don't! Maybe it's nil-nil, and nobody wins. Doesn't that sound like fun? No? What are you, a Luddite?

Anyway, let me know. You know where to find me: with the real Americans, watching baseball.